Putting the Dys in Dysfunctional

I always said, if I were to ever get married I wouldn't change my last name. I was born with my name I will die with it. Now I'm not so sure if I even want my family name.

I did not grow up with my father around much. His family didn't exactly keep in touch with us once my mum left him. We were better off I bet.

My dad is an asshole. He was a horrible husband and not much better as a father.

My mum left my dad when I was two. My dad pretty much disappeared by the time I was five, possibly six. No child support, no phone calls, not a damn thing. Never once did my mum ever say a word against my father, not a single word. I'd hear other people say stuff, but nothing really directly to me. I just got the general impression he wasn't much liked by most of my family or my mum's friends.

Over the last 13 years dribs and drabs about my family have surfaced. Every time I learn something new it puts so much of who I am into perspective.

When I was about 13 or so my dad remarried, they had two kids. I was up visiting them over the winter holiday and everything seemed fine. I called my father a month later (because, surprise, surprise, he forgot my birthday), and I found out he was no longer living there. I end up going up to visit my step-mother (whom I've always liked, I've been pretty lucky with my step parents) and my sisters for Easter. She doesn't mention why my father is gone, just that he is and she thought he would have at least called me and told me. He didn't.

I'm hanging out, having a good time, it's a small town but I make the best of it. My second day there her neighbour and best friend offers to give me a lift into the centre of town so I can hang out and do teenage stuff (sit in a cafe and smoke). On the way into town she asks me what I know about my father leaving, to which I answer not a lot. She then tells me there's something I really should know, especially given people around town know my father and that I'm his daughter, it could get awkward. Longish story short, turns out my father beat the crap out of my step-mother. It was the longest car ride of my life I think.

We get to the mall and who's the first person I meet? The RCMP officer that arrested my father. Awkward didn't even begin to cover it. One of the things that stands out the most about that visit, especially meeting the RCMP officer, was how everybody looked at me when I would meet them and they were introduced to me. Everybody looked at me with pity. I've seen that look a lot over years since then. My father's reputation has been years in the making.

After that news broke my mum told me it wasn't the first time, it was why she left my father and took me with her. I had never even thought to ask why she had left, I just took it for granted that she had and life was good.

Basically my father was his father all over again. His dad wasn't the nicest man apparently and I know he pretty much disappeared from their lives. I'm really unclear on all the details, it's not like my father and I have ever had a heart to heart.

I lie. We did have a heart to heart exactly once. I hadn't seen him since I had visited him and my step-mother but we both attended my cousin's wedding. He wanted to talk to me, I was good and sauced so I figured why not? We sit outside and he tells me how much he misses me and wishes he saw me more. I called bullshit, asked him what happened with him and my step-mother, he lies through his teeth. We argue.

We make up. I give him an ultimatum. He can either be in my life or not in my life but he has to put in the work, make an effort. He agrees. He managed to keep it up for about six months. I see him maybe twice after that, in a span of about 10 years.

That just scratches the surface with my family.

I have two uncles and five cousins. I don't speak to any of them except one cousin and we've only recently been in touch. We are not a tight family. I don't even really like my family. My cousin and my nana being the exceptions (even if nana chooses to be blind to her son's faults. She thinks that me and my father don't get along, rather than believe he's a shit. Her sons are golden).

So... the point... why would I want to keep the name of a family I'm not a part of, never have been a part of, and don't want to be a part of?

Some would say what's in a name? Well, let see, how many men change their last name when they get married? How many men would be insulted if their wife even asked them to change their name? If there's nothing in a name why is it such a big deal for women to change their name?

Put it another way: I have a friend I met years ago, he went to school with my father and my uncles. He puts my name together with theirs and the first thing he says is "Oh yeah... I knew the Z(ed)* boys... they were real bruisers." and boy how my heart glowed after that.

My mum was recently talking to a friend of hers, and the conversation turned to how she used to be married to my father and the first thing the man's wife says to her is "Oh you poor woman. I'm so sorry".

I don't know what name I would want to change my name to. I have no plan to change it. I just don't want it any more.

The one thing I will stand fast on though, there's no way I'll ever change my name if I ever get married. If I ever change my last name it will be to a name of my choosing. A name that belongs to me.




*not my actual family name... duh.